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Warning: Some bagels were harmed both physically and emotionally in the making of this video.

NFL is back and we start with Fastest 2 Minutes (00:00:00-00:10:03).

Tough game for Danny Dimes this afternoon against the Vikings. (Fart noise) They were lighting his jersey on fire in the Metlife parking lot after the game. Which is just flat out RUTHLESS. This was so awkward to watch it hurt. Straight out ofThe Princess Bride. Clem blogged this after it happened and mentioned that Jones earned every droplet of Giant fan disgust. I think you gotta feel bad for the guy, honestly....

The NFL season can go one of 3 ways for fans. First up, your team could kick ass and be awesome all season long. Lastly, your team could be tragically awful right out of the gates. They know the season is going nowhere, so they can just check in and out whenever they kindly. Think about how many different things they can do with their time now. Part of me is actually jealous of Giants fans right now....

Friends hanging out with friends!! I’ve seen every minute of the internet since its inception. I’m convinced they’re rage baiting, or teenagers, or just regular trolls. It’s all noise. But when I see regular outlets jumping on this click train? YES, EVEN TAYLOR SWIFT. “But Kelly, you love celebrities! Surely you base every decision in your life off of what rich and famous people say!” Both sides of the political machine want to influence you....

Reduced to the simplest archetypes, you switch from the Disciplinarian to the Players coach. There are countless examples. The Patriots of the ’90s replaced Bill Parcells with Pete Carroll. As far as how that worked out, KC was beloved on a team with strong veteran leadership. He let the players on the court make decisions like who should guard Magic Johnson in the ‘84 Finals. Whereas the Patriots tended to tune Carroll out....

Now this is what I call an interesting dynamic. But how are JK Dobbins and Jim Harbaugh co-existing? And friendly ribbing between Ohio State and Michigan people is never friendly. So I’d love to be a fly on the wall for whatever is going on. So who holds the upper hand in these discussions? Either way, I think it’s pretty obvious they’re both happy they’re together this Fall. 10 carries, 135 yards, and a touchdown....

Facing a top-tier opponent. After overhauling an entire offense. With the offensive line in a state of disarray. With a first time head coach. An offensive coordinator who hadn’t truly coordinated an offense in 15 years. And a quarterback who was outplayed by a 21-year-old rookie through the latter part of camp. No one, but no one, could’ve seen this coming. Granted, one did: But what does that Bozo know?...

There’s been hater, yes. He’ll come around! Blah, blah, blah. Deshaun Watson threw more balls outside of the playing field than inside of it. Joe Flacco proved it’s a Deshaun problem, not a scheme or coaching or talent problem. If we lose 3 of the next 4, tank. Maybe we can fall in a sweet spot where we can bring Quinn Ewers back to Ohio? People forget he spent his Senior Year of HS aka Freshman Year of College in Columbus....

NFL is back and we start with Fastest 2 Minutes.

ICYMI, Harbaugh’s reintroduction to the NFL went exactly as you might expect. He rammed the ball down the opponents throat and beat them into submission with an enthusiasm unknown to mankind.

Football is back and that means so are the fan fights. Drunk grown men wearing jerseys just throwing fists with no care in the world about the consequences. We turn our attention to the men out west to find this mess. Raiders fans roll out of bed just begging to get in a tussle. It’s a networking event. As far as the game goes they still believe Rich Gannon is the QB....

Raw Dogging in the Windy City Video Shot by Mikey Bets and Matthew Jenks Edited by Chris Armeinti Buy the Classic Shirt