Easily the worst hour of my entire year is Christmas Eve Mass.
Such a freakin production.
You got the kids dressed up as Mary and Joseph and Wise Men and shit.
Doing the whole pageant which adds another 45 minutes.
The choir sings the extended versions of every hymn.
4 or 5 verses per song.
The place is packed to the fucking brim.
Got bodies hanging from the rafters at Christmas Mass.
And then to top it off, they straight up poison gas the whole room with incense.
I’m just inhaling stinky smoke with 500 other people who haven’t been to Church since Easter.
Christmas never changes and its the same boring shit so this list is timeless as well..
0.
Pre-Mass Problem -Your family has asked you to save seats.
Sure, no problem Ma, Ill save the family seats at Christmas.
How about you also send me over to Afghanistan to solve the war in the Middle East as well?
Maybe I can go steal food out of the mouth of a starving rabid dog too?
Crew you got me last Christmas is laying on the pew?
Fuck you for making me save seats.
Solution:bring as MANY garments of clothes as possible.
Keep your head down.
I mean KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN.
Dont break your stare for ANYONE or ANYTHING.
Fall into a trance.
And you will ignore.
Like its not even happening.
Its so against social norms they wont know what to do.
Theyll do all sorts of gestures to get your attention.
You ignore and stare straight ahead like youre on the subway and a bum is begging for money.
Then resume your stare.
Mumble in fake Latin.
Look up to the Heavens.
Arms extended like you’re receiving the Holy Spirit.
Nobody will fuck with you.
And nobody will want to sit next to that weirdo.
They’ll be afraid you’ll give a shot to hold hands during the Our Father.
Its like a goddam dance routine for an hour straight.
Up down, up down, kneel, up, down.
Much like the afterlife that awaits us all.
Solution:Find the oldest old lady in the joint, and follow her lead.
The older the better.
They know the whole process better than the priest himself.
Sit, Stand, and Kneel with her and you’re good to go.
Not Knowing Any Of The Prayers- Problem 1.A.
Most of us know our Our Father and our Hail Marys.
But like, the Nicine Creed and shit?
That one where they say “Just say the word and I shall be healed?”
Those are like full blown speeches.
Who the fuck can remember those when the last time you were at church was 6 months ago.
Especially now that there’s “New Mass.”
They made those changes to the whole script like 10 years ago and I still haven’t caught on.
Songs became prayers, prayers became songs.
Not theres all sorts of shit like “And forever and always with the congregation as well.”
Solution:Mumble your way through the whole thing, just double-check you hit the essentials.
You know, like “humina humina humina, TRESSPASSES.”
“Yada, yada, yada HALLALEUJAH.”
As long as you’re with the rest of the church for the keywords, you’re good.
Shaking Hands during Peace- Easily the most awkward part of Mass.
I gotta shake hands with some rando?
Touch the old lady with wrinkly hands?
You stick your hand out and pull it back and its like you’re doing the fuckin hokey pokey.
Solution -No eye contact.
After that, I look directly at the ground.
If you don’t look at anyone, they won’t expect a handshake.
I’m debating just turning around and giving the whole church the two-fingered peace sign.
Just peace the whole crowd and call it a day.
Solution:confirm you put your jacket on before you go up for Communion.
Post-Communion church is like the last 2 minutes of a game when you’re up by 50.
Its best to just skip out early and get to your car.
Solution:No fucking clue.
Haven’t figured out how to stop doing this.
Any suggestions are welcome.
