Richard Simmons died last Saturday.
He choked on a Shake Weight at his home in the Hollywood Hills the morning after his 76th birthday.
Then Donald Trump was shot in the ear and we all said, “Sucks for Rick.
Nobody cares he died anymore.”
But that’s not true.
Anybody who cares about Richard Simmons death still cares the same amount.
Assassination attempt or not.
Pretty neat if you ask me.
Then when Trump was shot we said, “Plans have changed.
Richard Simmons memoriam night is cancelled.
There’s libs on Twitter to own.”
If anything, Richard Simmons death was enhanced by it being on Trump Shot Day.
I’ve actually heard far more talk of Richard Simmons death than I ever would have anticipated.
Death talk that goes well beyond it’s association with Trump.
Richard Simmons' death sent shockwaves across the “we live in a simulation” community.
I don’t fully understand what they think is happening here.
In fact, I don’t understand it at all.
I’m not even sure they do.
What exactly is a timeline?
Why are we jumping from one to the next?
Who or what is making us jump?
I have a feeling the people in these TikToks don’t have the answers to my questions either.
They prefer there be a fantastical explanation as to why things aren’texactlythe way they expect them to be.
I thought Richard Simmons wore a headband too.
I was equally surprised when I saw the pictures.
So we’ve gone about our whole lives assuming he was a headband wearing person.
I’m sure a few “Richard Simmons is dead” takes were sprinkled in there.
There were so many wild rumors out there, even Alexa got confused.
Or perhaps I’m the sheep for thinking this way.
I don’t have the answers to the universe.
I’m 99.9999% sure these people don’t either.
I don’t trust anybody who thinks they do.
But I suppose there’s a world where these timeline folks onto something.
There could be a crumb of truth in there.
That’s also why we’re so certain the Monopoly Man had a monocle.
It’s spelled Looney Toons, not Looney Tunes.
The Fruit of The Loom logodidhave a cornucopia in the background.
Osama Bin Laden was a member of the Bad Boy Pistons.
Maybe it’s not just bad memory.
