Thank you to my friends at Mostly Sports for bringing this clip to my attention.
It’s one of those videos that really shouldn’t be that funny.
I’m still not confident anybody else will find it as funny as I did.
But I laughed out loud the second it popped up.
Big, big deal.
I don’t necessarily know the political implications of anything that went on there.
Is the war over?
Did they start a new one?
Who’s to say.
But that’s not what’s important.
This is a blog about microphones.
The greatest long stick microphone-off these eyes have ever seen.
Not if you expect to get your big foam ball anywhere near President Zelenskyy’s mouth.
And you better be ready to fight.
He saw how aggressive Yellow E was coming in and abruptly realized he wanted none of the smoke.
Just sat there in the worst possible position and let his competition walk all over him.
Whatever it was, it didn’t work.
Nothing to hold your head high about if you’re Orange Square mic.GRADE F-
12.
Light Blue
Zero effort from start to finish.
Disrespectful to the profession.
Any movement he did make only put him in worse position.
Spent a majority of the interview directly behind another mic.
Just rubbing foam the entire time.
It was almost like he thought if he was touching another mic he could steal its recording.
That’s not how microphones work at all.
He just shows up with his stupid giant backwards tilting head and plops himself down low.
Never really worked to get any closer.
Was just kinda in the way.
No chance that mic is regulation.
It’s certainly not in the spirit of the competition.
Especially sad that Al Jazeera didn’t even bother fighting back.
Just cowered into submission for the remainder of the interview.
I can’t really blame him.
There’s no coming back from a microphone tea bagging.
Not that he necessarily had terrible position.
But it’s a rough look to be abused like that on national television.
Yellow E
Credit to Yellow E for giving it his all.
He hung in there as well as he could.
Was fighting for his life the entire time.
But things just kept getting worse.
He came in so hot.
Tried to throw his weight around.
Seemed to be settled into an above average position.
Because he was set up perfectly.
Had all the tools to succeed.
Just couldn’t hang with the big dogs in the end.GRADE C-
8.
Freedom
My initial instinct was to throw the Freedom microphone in dead last.
He brought a short mic stick to a long mic stick fight.
If your tiny little microphone stick is that outmatched, then why even bother showing up?
But I grew to appreciate Freedom mic’s strategy.
If blonde woman dropped any surprise bombs out of right field, that soundbite was all his.
I don’t think it paid off, but I respect his plan of attack.GRADE C
7.
He never attempted any moves to get into A position.
Black ORF
ORF did his job.
Nothing less, nothing more.
The angle of the video does him some favors.
Watch closely and you’ll realize he’s not quite as front and center as he originally appears.
But he had solid starting position and held firm-ish in his spot.
Solid showing from ORF.GRADE B-
5.
BELSAT did a terrible job acquiring a starting position.
But he maximized his potential from the spot he was at (roughly 20 yards away from Zelenskyy).
To overtake Orange R from the outside the way he did is nothing to sneeze at.GRADE B
4.
WDR-1
Very respectable performance from a clear veteran of the game.
He never had to get his hands dirty.
Get in, get out, and don’t make any enemies.
That’s how you get long stick microphone holding job for life.
Work smarter, not harder.GRADE B+
3.
Orange Penis
Immediately established dominance by showing up with by far the most phallic shaped microphone of the group.
Really made Al Jazeera his bitch.
Dragged his sack right across his face.
Nobody dared fuck with him after that manhandling.
It was smooth sailing from there on out.
Of all 13+ microphones, I’d argue Orange Penis mic made his presence felt the most.GRADE A-
2.
Sometimes the long stick microphone game is won before it’s even started.
Blue AFP started in prime position.
He started out nice and low, then raised up higher when threatened.
He never forfeited his spot.
Possible midget holding the mic here as well.
Blue K24
Round of applause.
This is how it’s done.
Blue K24 put in the best performance of the day by a long shot.
Blue K24 started in dead last.
Honestly, the more I watch this clip, the more impressed I am.
Just a slow, methodical extension.
He took Yellow E to school.
Cleared him out of the ring and sent him spiraling.
Obviously this is not the first time K24 has found himself in this position.
Makes a brief appearance up top.
Briefly sneaks his way back on screen at 1:10.
Just never had the tools to compete.
I don’t even feel right giving him a grade.
Not sure if he recorded a single word.
Better luck next year.
Now if only we had the reverse angle.
Would love to see what really went down on the other end of the sticks.
