X.com - @JustinTrudeau- I just had a good call with President Trump.
DearOh Canada,
I’ve wanted to be czar from the moment I learned what a czar was.
When they hired me, they asked what I wanted my title to be.
I said, “Can I be the Sales Czar?
“, and they countered with, “What about Account Executive?”
I said, “Ok, that’s fine” and my dreams of being a czar were shattered.
The company went out of business three months later.
Could never get a W-2 from them.
Pretty sure they were paying me under the table.
Either that or I owe some taxes in California.
But I figured I’d never have the opportunity to become a czar again.
Until Canada posted a new job opportunity.
I pay as little attention to politics as possible for a person who spends all day on the internet.
But from what I gather, Canadians have been smuggling fentanyl across the border like maple syrup.
So President Trump implemented a tariff on their country.
Canada responded by booing our National Anthem.
When that didn’t fix things, they said, “What if we implement a Fentanyl Czar?”
Now the tariffs are on hold, and Canada is in need of a czar.
What exactly is a Fentanyl Czar?
I don’t think Canada knows either.
But in general heor shewill be responsible for keeping fentanyl from crossing the boarder.
I think I would be good at this.
Canada says they’re looking for a serving or former police officer to fill the role.
Which I am not.
Zero Political or Law Enforcement Experience
This is actually a good thing.
Traditional experience is no longer in vogue.
Significant Fentanyl Experience
Very easily identifiable for an experienced heroin user.
Can taste the difference immediately.
To not make a fentanyl bust on a daily basis will make me horrifically sick.
I will physically not be able to sleep until I locate drugs for you.
It’s a level of motivation you could only find in an addict facing withdrawal.
Why would a Canadian want to keep fentanyl in Canada?
That makes no sense.
“But we’re just going to destroy the drugs when we find them anyways” - Yeah right.
The job is keeping drugs out of America.
That responsibility should fall on the shoulders of someone who has real skin in the game.
There’s always been a part of me that wishes he took that job.
If he had, I would be in the NHL right now.
Instead of wasting my childhood playing multiple sports, I’d have focused on hockey year round.
Had I grown up in Canada, I would have realized my full, probably NHL-level potential.
But I thought it showed heart.
I think it was ironically the most American thing you could have done.
When somebody does something to you that you don’t like, you boo them.
That’s an American spirit.
Knowledge of Canadian Politics
I can name 3 of them.
You have Justin Trudeau the progressive blackface President.
Rob Ford the wacky, crack smoking, dead Mayor of Toronto.
Never quite managed to get the queen’s face off your money.
I’m a phone call away Mr. Trudeau.
you’re able to hire some random cop who’s part of the problem.
Someone who allowed your fentanyl epidemic to get as bad as it has under his watch.
If you’re lucky, maybe America will move onto something else and forget about the whole tariff thing.
Or you’re free to nut up and swing for the fences.
Your move, bud.
