I would’ve been like Eugene Levy walking into the kitchen and catching Jimbo nuts-deep into an apple pie.
It was best for all involved to just have Mark Sanchez and his man bun handle it.
–Where do we even begin dissecting this corpse?
Let’s start 4,600 years ago.
The Great Pyramid of Giza was built around 2,600 BC.
It’s 481 feet high.
But it’s true majesty is in its science.
It’s located in the exact center of all the Earth’s landmass.
No one can explain how it was built, or be certain it could be done today.
–I know that was a long way to go to make a point.
Thanks for sticking around for the payoff.
It’s just that this team is rapidly driving me insane.
I used to know what I was doing.
I understood what I was looking at.
Now I look at the notes I took and the look like the Zodiac Killer’s writing.
So kindly bear with me as we get through this.
You’ve come to the wrong blog.
Love it or hate it, the rule is spelled out explicitly.
That wasn’t a touchdown.
A major part of post-Dynasty Patriots lore.
–Spoiler: No one’s coming out of this unscathed.
It all starts with the GM and The Wolf’s negligence with respect to the O-line.
But with this game, there’s plenty of blame to go around.
The backs set a franchise record with an astonishing 7.9 yards per attempt.
While the passing attack was generating an unimpressive 4.1 yards per dropback.
So the simple solution when you’re playing with a lead is to keep pounding the rock, right?
The formula Alex Van Pelt settled on was a run/pass mix of 19 to 36.
But AVP can surely lay claim to that pearl of wisdom after this one.
–As a result, we got 13 1st downs on 11 possessions.
Ran 60 plays to Miami’s 78.
Possessed the ball nine fewer minutes.
Went 4-13 converting 3rd downs.
And Van Pelt discovered it.
That’s 10 points to Slytherin.
–It wasn’t just how much they decided to throw, but when.
So they have Jacoby Brissett go deep twice.
Take no time off the clock.
Only the fact the Dolphins have become that team that says,“Pfft!
You think that was stupid?
Watch us cock this up!
“and botched the field goal twice kept it from resulting in points.
But make no mistake: AVP handed them the gun.
No scheme to speak of.
No - to fall back on the cliche - offensive identity.
The coaches yesterday signed a unilateral treaty surrendering the LOS without demanding any concessions in return.
There’s no questioning how his players respond to him.
But that doesn’t mean they’re taking the field fully prepared.
They picked up 12-men penalty the first time the punt return team came out.
I guarantee you the Ancient Egyptians knew which 11 guys were on the 80 Ton Brick Dragging Team.
–But that was just the first of an even dozen penalties for 105 yards.
One of the best players on this defense at the moment is Keion White.
And he committed two personal fouls on the same drive, three snaps apart.
One of the best players on this offense over the past few years is Hunter Henry.
And he committed two presnap penalties on the final drive.
White’s kept a Dolphins drive alive and led to a field goal.
Henry’s put them in 2nd & 21 and 4th & 15 with the game on the line.
Or pooch-punted it and hoped for a fumble.
Or keistered it and tried to smuggle it into end zone.
The one thing that wasn’t going to work was the one thing he actually tried.
The point being this team isn’t disciplined or mentally tough.
Especially in the big moments with a chance to pull out a game.
–And it’s not unfair to question their conditioning.
Mayo said as much after the game that his team was worn down.
It showed in the Dolphins 11-play, 80-yard, 7:36 touchdown drive to take the lead.
That one included seven consecutive run plays, all for positive yards.
Still better than the 59 yards they gained over six possessions.
But a sign that their opponents are stronger as games go on than the Pats are.
And probably a “197.”
–Though to be fair to the defenders, 78 plays from scrimmage is a ridiculous number.
And just to refresh your memory, Miami had the worst offense in the league going into this mess.
(Though I think we can honestly say there’s a new king of that hill.)
They often had him dropping into the deep middle for a Tampa-2 look.
Which seems to fit his sort of tweener skillset.
And worked a damned sight better than last week when it was Jahlani Tavai chasing George Kittle back there.
His pick was intended for Odell Beckham, Jr. Gonzo had outside leverage to force OBJ into the middle.
Stayed on his hip.
And then showed that closing burst on the ball the way Stephon Gilmore or Ty Law used to.
Plus he was in solo coverage on Hill repeatedly.
Which led to this golden moment:
So there’s your bright spot.
Hill didn’t score.
No fans splooshed a beer in his direction like happened that one time.
And early reports indicate seven women in that section got positive results ontheir EPT teststhis morning.
It seems only Christian Gonzalez can stop Hill.
–Oh, what the heck.
Let’s keep this party going.
We could use the boost.
Stevenson’s touchdown was an athletic and artistic triumph.
A pin-pull scheme, with Onwenu bouncing out to seal off Emmanuel Ogbah.
Starting with Pop Douglas.
But 20 things have to go right on every play in order for the ball to come his way.
And so far we’re lucky if a half dozen things go right at a time.
Someone opposing coaches actually have to expend energy gameplanning for.
Douglas is that guy.
But the offense he’s in has become every DC’s bye week.
He’s been compared to many things.
Member of the Geek Squad.
And this season without Tua Tagovailoa was going to expose him as just another Flavor of the Month.
I’d rather watch 50 local and New Hampshire political ads than see McDaniel succeed.
But by blowing this game, the Patriots have delayed his utter humiliation another week.
–Oh, wait.
I get it now.
What a fun gag for all those guys sitting next to their 9-year-olds at 1pm on a Sunday.
I can take it.'”
Maybe they can build on that.
Such is the thin thread my hopes are hanging on at the moment.
–Now can we have Drake Maye?
Or do things have to actually get worse?
Yes there are risks.
Ships are safer in harbors.
But that is not what ships are built for.
I guess I just want this team to be presentable for the time Tom Brady really does show up.
