Francis wrote an eloquent blog today about the New York City subway experience.
Specifically just how much it fucking sucks for a number of reasons.
At the end, he asks if it’s as bad in Chicago and I’m obliged to opine.
I’m genuinely curious about the public transportation systems in other US cities.
Have you guys kept pace with us fucking degenerates in New York?
It’s just beyond belief.
But first an executive summary:
Chicago’s Transit System is line specific.
There’s a couple of really nice, classy, lines with minimal amounts of hijinks/violent crime.
And then opposite that is an environment where you and I get robbedmost of the time.
That’s basically how Chicago operates on all levels.
Some things are great.
Some things are ugly/no good/downright terrible.
And historically we’ve done a very good job of keeping those things separated while developing a broader culture.
Your own personal experience is often dictated by your own personal understanding of best practices.
There are 8 lines and this is how we rank them:
8.
Green:So dangerous that I don’t even want to joke around about it.
So you took the green line from the loop and you’re instantly regretting it.
Nice thing though is that assault and battery plummet to about 2% once you leave the loop area.
Although robbery and theft double so keep your head on swivel and your phone in a secure pocket.
Pink: Another complete shithole.
Most of you would use the pink line to go to Pilsen for empanadas.
Blue:Most likely to get jerked off on?
Most likely to see a couple European smokeshows wheeling gigantic suitcases?
Also the Blue Line.
It touches so many neighborhoods and carries so many tourists.
There’s definitely more disgusting lines but I think the Blue Line is the most FILTHY.
To the extent that I think the Orange line is mostly just a Southwest Express train.
That’s how I see it with no disrespect to the fine people along Archer avenue.
But you’re just here to get people to Midway without traffic on the Stevenson.
And to that, you do a very fine job with much less crime than most would expect.
That’s because people respect the Orange line and the service it provides.
No surprise those are some of the best blue collar folks the city has to offer but I digress.
Red:The closest thing Chicago has to the NYC subway.
Point being you oughta be smart about using the Red Line and that can make it a great experience.
Because of this, there’s no denying the public utility offered by the Red Line.
You’re most likely to get stabbed over a minor disagreement on the Red Line.
You’re most likely to witness a live birth on the Red Line.
Someone might clean your shoes at one stop and then rob you at gun point the next.
You didn’t get on the Subway to make friends any more than want a rash in your crotch.
I wouldn’t mind seeing a reduction in the likelihood of traumatic events on the red line.
Purple:Commuter line with all the bells and whistles.
Only line to run designated times like a Metra out of Union Station.
Probably the best crop of conductors because they have to do the most signal clearance around the loop.
There’s so few jabronis here which is important because the purple line is kinda confusing.
An abundance of unruly assholes would only make matters worse and that’s not the case here at all.
Try catching a purple line heading north at Merchandise Mart after a long day in the loop.
Try catching a purple line at Armitage at 8:07 on a Monday morning after a bad Bears loss.
But that’s the cost of doing business on the commuter line.
That’s a great fucking feeling.
Yellow:Kind of a cop out here with the Skokie swift but deserving nonetheless.
Also very popular with Cubs fans as you could take the yellow to the red which stops outside Wrigley.
And parking fucking blows so bad around there.
Brown:The Rolls Royce of public transportation.
The hottest babes and best views.
Nobody in Chicago can disagree with the take that the Brown line is the best line.
And nobody can disagree when I say it’s not even close.
Not even worth the time it would take for me to emphasize the blatantly obvious.
You’re going to get your average day-to-day crime on a Brown line.
Someone’s going to have a purse snatched or a wallet stolen.
You’re going to be propositioned to buy some kind of drug or service.
Or maybe just a pair of socks and an old bic lighter.
PS - Metra rankings:
1.
