First thing’s first - I’m so fucking glad this is over.
Skip this blog all together if you’re not into that.
There is NOBODY on earth who hates me, more than me.
Over the top rant videos, self indulgent photos, over exaggerating EVERYTHING I said and did.
Respect at work, respect online, my personal life was better than ever.
I remember legitimately fist pumping in my apartment about how perfect everything was (LOSER).
Embarrassingly, it gave me a great sense of worth.
Nothing worked to try and turn it around.
Even when I’m being nice and genuine, people assume that I’m not.
Anger didn’t work.
Crying didn’t work.
Showing my belly and literally waving the white flag didn’t work.
From that point forward, every single day, nonstop, I have been getting absolutely bodied online.
Every tweet, every instagram, every tiktok, every youtube video - nowhere is safe.
A full calendar year of it.
If you see enough hate, you really start to believe it about yourself.
The sheer quantity of it all - surely they must be right if this many people think this way?
It’s truly torture.
Why be online if you’re too weak to deal with a couple of trolls?
You chose this!"
I did not choose to be harassed 24/7/365.
I’m a glorified influencer with Dave Portnoy’s phone number.
I like Taylor Swift, Harry Potter, and Reality TV.
Doing the game itself was hard mentally, but it felt worth it.
I came out looking like a memory queen, a puzzle queen, and I felt badass.
What do ya know, I lost that one too.
I can cry on a dime.
I love to get riled up over nothing.
I’m always entertained by villains, why not try and be one!
People gave me a little bit of shit but again, the overall response was “entertaining.”
That’s all I wanted.
BvA Season 2 (April 2022) rolled around and I was asked back.
I think at the time, I thought I’d have too much FOMO (LOL.)
By the end of filming, I was a mess.
Crying nonstop, yelling at everyone - I told them I was done doing these shows.
Clearly I couldn’t handle it.
Boy, was I wrong on that one!
I look pathetic, aloof, dumb, overly emotional - extremely hateable and useless.
I was going to play as hard as I could and as nobly as I could.
No villain shit this time.
Keep a clear head, don’t let the competition itself get the best of me, and TRY.
I can confidently say I did all of these things.
I wouldn’t change any of it.
Looking for Idols
I looked constantly.
All day, all night.
I am a horrible looker.
I didn’t even know what those keys looked like until the show started airing.
If I found ONE, I think things would’ve been a lot different.
At the same time, I would’ve never wanted to be handed an idol or a key.
That would just make me indebted to someone else.
Crying all the time
I’m a crier!
Everything makes me tear up, especially if I’m not sleeping or eating right.
Happy, sad, empathetic, proud - you’re free to guarantee I’ll weep a little.
You got your wish and then some bossman!
Do I think they needed to show every single tear I shed the entire week?
To be fair, after day 5 there wasn’t much of the day where I WASN’T crying.
Obviously it was entertaining, but experiencing it was something else.
To their credit, Kirk Rico and Megan put on a SERIOUS performance of agreeing about voting Dan out.
By the time we got to the turf, the damage had been done.
For some reason, nobody mentioned that my texts were what set off that whole thing.
I could’ve cleared up what I meant immediately.
I blame Dave for planting the seeds of doubt in her.
Oh, and all week I had been hyping up my memory skills.
The night before the Pink Wedding I was so desperate for sleep that I took an edible.
I think I slept 20 minutes that night.
I was groggy, probably still high, and exhausted.
Horrible performance by me all around.
I could’ve jumped out of my window I was cringing so hard at how dumb I sounded.
My alliance with Ria/Getting Voted Out
Ria and I are extremely close.
I was dead in the water.
Ria, Megan and Rico all had immunity.
Dave and Moobie were aligned.
I tried to flip the votes to Dave, saying “I’m voting for Dave.
Dave told me to my face that he was voting for me (not shown.)
I also didn’t want the wrath of Dave if I did that to his alliance.
I failed at getting immunity, and I failed at finding an idol to save myself.
No one to blame but myself.
I think that’s all I can say for now, right?
Is anyone even still reading this?
There’s only 1 winner in Surviving Barstool, and I’m 0/2.
“Would you ever do another show like this?
I’m pretty confident that will never happen.
The block is too hot for me still.
I do think despite hating myself on it, the show is tremendous.
The finale is awesome, the reunion was good too.
I think people will be very happy with all of it.
Maybe I even squeeze a few more tears out.
