I wish no ill will toward Gisele Bundchen.
Sure, she Yoko Ono’ed greatest, most successful, longest-running collaboration in the history of sports.
So she found comfort in the bed of another man.
But that doesn’t make her a bad person.
Both to her children and to the son Brady had with Brigit Moynahan.
Were told she’s about 5 or 6 months along in her pregnancy.
So good for her.
Good for the happy couple.
Good for the Brady Bundchen, who are no doubt excited to have a new sibling.
Because there won’t be any more lingerie shoots in her future as a 45-year-old mom.
But the one person in this dynamic I do not feel good for is that unborn baby.
(I wouldn’t know.
More like an Army Jeep, whereas Gisele is a Porsche.)
And you could do a lot worse than having a self-defense professional for a dad.
But what about the rest of it?
What about being in a family of kids who were fathered by a genetically perfect metahuman?
How’s it going feel sharing a home with older siblings who hit the DNA Powerball jackpot?
It doesn’t matter how handsome and successful your Jiu Jitsu dad might be.
Any child would be.
The fruit of Joaquim Valente’s loins is about to be born into an impossible situation.
He or she is going to be the Tyriann Lannister of the family.
Filch from Hogwarts, who was born of magical parents but has no magic powers of his own.
Which is to be cruel, selfish, savage little animals.
Eventually, kids fight.
And by the law of the jungle, they get vicious.
Especially when competing for resources.
If your father who won seven Super Bowls, raise your hand.
Oh, just us?
OK, let’s try this.
Whose dad led a comeback from down 28-3?
I guess that’s not you, either.
Take it up with your Karate Kid dad, loser."
So thoughts and prayers to that child.
He or she is going to need them.
The rest of the human population of the Earth can’t compete with Tom Brady.
How is a kid supposed to?
