Welcome back to another episode of Dumping Them Out.
I visited the Barstool Chicago office for the first time last week.
Despite that literally being my job, I don’t think I’ll ever get comfortable with that.
But that’s the beauty of Dumping Them Out.
Whenever I feel like I should talk about myself, I do it here.
In that case, I’m sorry, but I got nothing for ya.
I didn’t have any reason in particular for going to Chicago last week.
I didn’t even bother trying to expense the trip.
I just thought to myself, “I haven’t seen the Chicago office yet.
I’d like to see some of my friends who moved away.
Might as well catch a flight and spend a week out there.”
President’s Day had totally slipped my mind.
I forgot we’re celebrating President’s again.
Not ideal for the one week I choose to work from Chicago to be a 4-day week.
That didn’t matter.
I could still find a way to be productive when the office is closed.
But things got worse when I arrived to the airport for my 5pm flight.
The New York City area was hit with a Winter Storm Warning.
Flights were getting cancelled left and right.
My flight kept getting pushed back 30 minutes at a time.
So I fired off this tweet (as a joke).
Nobody was more perplexed by the President’s Day office closure than Ben Mintz.
Mintzy immediately texted me to ask if the office was legitimately closed.
I guess he thought I was playing some sort of weird joke?
Just so he knew for sure I wasn’t fucking with him.
But it never feels good to do that.
Especially not to someone who is basically your boss.
But it didn’t matter.
Big Cat is a reasonable guy.
And thankfully, my flight ended up taking off only 4 hours later than scheduled.
Ben Mintz opening boxes did not disappoint.
I would have been stupid not to.
I’m not the first one to utilize that strategy, and I certainly won’t be the last.
The next day (Tuesday) was my first day in the Chicago office.
On Tuesday I killed a guy.
The Yak had me do the gauntlet.
Part of the gauntlet is scoring a goal (soccer) on a goalie.
The Yak’s goalie’s name is Ryan.
He does Barstool After Dark, and is a fucking menace in net.
While playing goalie on me, his arm fell off.
It was a whole thing.
Video below is cued up to the gauntlet incident.
If you watch the tape back, the whole thing is really Steven Cheah’s fault.
I’m pretty sure my third shot crossed the goal line.
It was only dislocated.
In the end, Danny Conrad ended up taking most of the rebounds.
Tbh I think he wanted to do it the whole time.
We kept going back and forth with, “No really I’m happy to do it.”
… “Are you sure?
… “No for real I promise I don’t mind.”
… “No really it’s ok I’ll just do it.”
Eventually Danny out niced me and took over the majority of the rebounding duties.
But I was there for when Dana hit 20 free throws in a row.
A real “Where were you?”
moment in Barstool Sports history.
I like to think my crisp, in rhythm chest passes played a major role in it.
I streamed with Mook until 8am.
Longest I’ve been on camera since I started a Barstool.
Realistically, I was probably on camera for longer night than the rest of my Barstool Sports career combined.
Didn’t sleep a wink.
The next day I was dragging.
I needed a nap.
But I didn’t want to go home.
And I felt weird about napping in the office.
So I put a plan together that I thought was full-proof.
I found a semi-secluded room with a couch.
I laid down with my laptop open on my lap as if I were writing a blog.
Here’s how that went.
Especially for a documented ex-drug addict.
In hindsight, I shouldn’t have tried to disguise it.
Having the laptop on my lap made it look so much worse.
Thanks for that Nicky Smokes.
I heard that Brandon Walker once drove the ball 348.
I’m not sure if I can drive the ball that far in real life.
But I’ve seen videos of Brandon Walker swinging a golf club.
It took me longer than I thought, but I didn’t it.
Which honestly felt like kind of a dick move.
Could they not let me have one thing?
I thought that was rude.
If I didn’t know any better I’d call it a personal attack.
A lot of people say that golf simulator is juiced.
And they might be right (they’re probably right).
I don’t know if that simulator entirely accurate.
Now are the default controls making our drives longer than they would be in real life?
That’s very possible.
But he did think that the swing speed may have been too high.
But also.. Kyle Berkshire has hit a drive over 500 in real life.
For what it’s worth, he was barely touching 400 on the simulator…
Honestly, I don’t think I’m that far off.
But they aren’t swinging their balls off on tour.
And professional golfers aren’t these big jacked Adonis’s of human being.
They’re roughly the same size as me.
The way I was swinging in that simulator, at least half of those balls are going OB.
So that simulator might register a bit long.
Sorry I know this is way too long.
I think that footage will be out in a PMT golf video sometime in the future.
I didn’t want to rub it in at the time.
Here’s the video from my burner Twitter.
Didn’t want tweet it from main.
Felt like I was bragging too much.
