Over the course of the past year or so, the drug Ozempic has become a household name.
On the off chance you’re unfamiliar, Ozempic is the most popular brand of weight-loss drug ‘semaglutide’.
The results speak for themselves.
Consider the success story of Barstool Sports' own Dana “Beers” Bahrawy.
Dana was down on his luck.
Too ashamed to look himself in the mirror.
He hadn’t seen his own penis in years.
Unfortunately, things that seem too good to be true generally are.
As you might have guessed, Ozempic is no-exception.
The drug has boosted people’s confidence.
It’s transformed men, women, and combinations of both from soft 5’s to hard 6’s.
But what are these supposed side effects?
In the end, it’s up to the user.
What’s most important?
Let’s go through the side effects one-by-one and see what side effects Ozempic users are facing.
Not necessarily the vomiting and constipation.
Neither of which seem that bad.
Vomiting sounds more like a weight-loss solution than a problem.
As a former opiate user, I can attest that you’ll learn to live with constipation.
I will concede that constipation is likely less tolerable when not accompanied by the relief of heavy narcotics.
But constipation is not a dealbreaker.
Sign me up for digestive issues any day if it’s going to make be a hotter person.
Fatigue, headaches, dizziness
I’ve been fatigued since I hit puberty.
There’s nothing special about fatigue.
Come to think of it, that may be the key to Ozempic use.
Pile as many different medications on top of it as possible.
Fight side effects of medication with more medication.
If those medications also have side effects, find more medication to combat those.
Good enough for me.
A little bit scary.
But I also read that if you’re not already diabetic, you’re “probably fine”.
Just don’t be diabetic.
Kidney Damage
You only need one kidney.
Nothing to worry about if you’re a two-kidneyed individual.
Pancreatitis
I did not enjoy learning about pancreatitis.
Regardless, pancreatitis is treatable.
It could be as simple as having a surgeon rip your gallbladder out of your stomach.
Gallbladder removal typically leads to a bit of weight loss as well.
Sounds like a win-win to me.
Gastroparesis
The most troubling side effect I’ve read about yet.
Gastroparesis means your stomach is paralyzed.
On top of that, your teeth may fall out.
It may lead to death.
Rarely does gastroparesis go away.
There is no cure.
I do not have a spin zone in my arsenal for gastroparesis.
Ozempic users will have to roll the dice with this one.
Muscle Loss
Heroin sheik is in.
With enough muscle loss you’ll likely end up with a successful modeling career.
Bad Breath, burps, metallic taste in mouth
Nothing that gum can’t fix.
Hair Loss
For men, it all comes down to the shape of your head.
Bald women have it even easier.
I almost envy them.
Wig technology nowadays is next level.
And unlike with men, there’s not stigma around women who wear them.
Every morning, bald women have the option of choosing from multiple, drastically different hairstyles.
On Monday they’ll have flowing blonde hair, the next day they could be Marge Simpson.
The options are endless.
Sexual Dysfunction
Classic Catch-22.
Before Ozempic, due to your size, your confidence is far too low to bag a fit bird.
Alcohol, Food, Coffee Avoidance
I’m unsure why this is a bad thing.
It’s not that Ozempic userscan’thave alcohol, food, or coffee.
They simply don’t crave it.
Isn’t “not craving food” the entire point of Ozempic?
And if your mind & body doesn’t want alcohol, then you’re not going to miss it.
If you do miss it, then you’ll drink.
This is a great problem to have.
Fertility Boost
Fertility boost coupled with sexual dysfunction is an unsettling combination.
Say you go weeks without a lick of libido.
Suddenly you’re in the mood.
You bring her back to your place.
You use a condom and everything.
But the tiniest drop of you’re fertility boosted super-sperm happens to leak out… then BOOM.
The one time you’re in the mood you wind up catching a kid.
Ozempic really ramps up the pressure when it comes to having sex.
Aspiration Pneumonia
I’m a bit confused about this one.
It also pops up if anything other than air is inhaled into you lungs.
Regardless of that, consider former Ozempic user (lasted 9 day on the drug) Stu Feiner.
Is Stu more likely to choke as a result of Ozempic-induced aspiration pneumonia?
Ozempic Face
Ozempic patients are known to have sunken cheeks, and extremely pronounced jaw lines.
Once again I refer you to pictures of modern day male models.
Vivid Dreams
Certainly not a side effect worth steering you away from taking a weight-loss drug.
I’ve always enjoyed dreaming.
Even nightmares are cool in their own way.
Dreams are like movies personalized to your life.
The only thing that bothers me about dreams is that I can never remember them in detail.
Perhaps if they were more vivid, I’d be better able to remember my wacky dream adventures.
Cancer
File this one away in the “bad side-effects” category.
That being said, what on this earth doesn’t “give you cancer” at this point?.
California is literally banning Skittles.
Skittles now cause cancer.
Turns out salad causes cancer too.
Is your salad going to kill you?
Even fare touted as a superfood one day can be vilified as a cancer risk the next.
Perhaps nowhere is this more the case than in recent claims about rocket, a salad leaf.
The claim hinges on high levels of nitrates that rocket contains.
Is there any clear evidence to back it up?
I’m sorry, I don’t want to make jokes about suicide.
If you start having suicidal thoughts, maybe give Ozempic a rest.
Ozempic Breasts
Here we have a side-effect than any red-blooded gamblingwomanwill be on board with.
Take a gander at this.
This isn’t that unexpected.
Typically as women lose weight fat tissue in breasts also diminishes reducing their overall size.
What is more surprising is some women are reporting their breasts growing larger while on the drug.
It could be cheaper than a boob job.
It could also turn your B-cups to A-cups.
That’s the chance you take with Ozempic.
No bet is a sure thing.
But much like when you gamble on sports, Ozempic just makes things a little more interesting boob-wise.
It’s fun to have a little skin in the boob game.
In my humble opinion, for the most part, the side effects all seem manageable.
But that’s the price you pay to be beautiful.
Do the risks outweigh the rewards?
That’s up to you.
Edit: I’ve been told Frank is on Wegovy.
Which is Ozempic’s main competitor.
I did not know that.
Still, good walking Frank.
Either way, Ozempic is still an option in the United States.
So is it’s #1 semaglutide competitor Wegovy.
Overweight people have options beyond living healthy lifestyles nowadays.
Do with that information what you will.
