I enjoy lunch meat quite a bit and have been eating a lot of ham lately.
I’m up for the task.
There’s 4 major categories of cold cuts: roast beef, ham, turkey and miscellaneous.
you could do a lot within the structure of a good ham.
More importantly though, I need to first establish the criteria for analysis.
Above I saypick one for the rest of your life.
The balance is critical.
One Lunchmeat For Life has completely different risk parameters than The Best.
Like getting married, the best wife isn’t necessarily the bustiest Las Vegas bottle girl and vice versa.
It’s about teaming up with someone for the long-haul which creates many different considerations.
I think that’s why you see Turkey get such a favorable return in the polls.
It’s consistent and predictable and versatile and accepting.
In that spirit, I want to limit our purview to cold cuts with no strings attached.
Simply analyzing the best meat and boy there’s a lot.
Stand Alone Flavor
Can you play outside the structure of a team environment?
Is there such thing as Too Much?
Do you find yourself needing more stone ground mustard because the bird’s a little dry?
These are the questions I’m asking as I evaluate stand alone flavor.
These are the things that keep me up at night.
Turkey needs the most support.
You need good bread and fresh ingredients and some kind of creamed-aoli or a healthy spread of artisan mayo.
To me, a classic turkey on white just doesn’t exist.
I think Turkey is ranked last on Stand Alone flavor.
But then we go Miscellaneous and you start to see some really heavy hitters.
Next up is roast beef.
you might smell it when you tear pop launch the thinnest of resealable plastic bags.
You catch a strong whiff but you won’t be denied.
May I recommend a dash of salt?
Ham is where you get separation depending on the kind of ham.
For purposes of this analysis, I’m taking the average ham score here.
Off-the bone is by far the most elite Stand Alone Flavor profile in a ham.
Virginia-baked is not far behind.
So I’m splitting the difference and just calling it a classic honey-glazed ham here and that’s delicious.
The average honey-glazed ham crushes turkey and RB in a stand alone challenge.
Room For Error
Does it need to be sliced precisely to the correct thickness?
Are you willing to take a low-sodium alternative if it’s on sale?
What about prepackaged cold cuts that hang in the charcuterie section of the grocery store?
In that case, I have ham dead last because a bad slice goes a long way.
Also I’m particular about my suppliers.
Boars Head and Krakus are elite.
So is my local meat market’s in-house private label.
Those are big time players but I can’t rely on them always.
I’ll guarantee they’re not serving that quality at your locally-franchised sub shop.
I promise you it’s a dangerous game to be eating unverified, borderline rogue ham.
Especially if it’s too thick.
Roast beef is next up.
The problem here is I want my roast beef medium rare red.
I can gladly stomach pink.
But anything darker is bad lunch meat in my opinion.
Especially because it’s usually either too dry or too wet.
Not a huge deal but if we’re being specific then I need to make that a consideration.
Then there’s miscellaneous and obviously we got some clunkers on the board.
But I don’t think there’s many bad forms of italian spiced meats.
I don’t think you get a bad meat/cheese board very often.
Most of the smoked exotic stuff hits quite hard.
And most of it is significantly more expensive than the Big 3.
But nobody comes close to Turkey.
There’s such limited deviation in turkey deli cuts.
As such:
4.
Turkey
D. Multi-Purpose
Something to consider is your flexibility in making the sandwich.
Can you do a wrap or a pinwheel?
Is it good straight out of the bag?
And what’s the range of condiments: mustard only or can we be creative with a truffled vinaigrette?
I mean that sincerely.
You don’t have a ton of options when it comes to old-fashioned ham.
Most of the time you’re playing with these elements and rarely anything else.
it’s possible for you to go classic American with no tomato.
you’re free to cut all veggie and just do hot ham and swiss.
you could throw a dijon in the mix.
But be honest, there’s no growth on a ham sandwich without roping in other meats.
Like your Uncle Gary that went off the grid a decade ago when his kids went off to college.
After that I’m going Miscellaneous because most of these cuts do not stand alone.
Most of them need to be combined to even serve a single purpose.
Individual functionality is not a strength, thus handcuffing our range of purpose.
Mostly appetizing/snack related across the board.
Some really solid sandwich contributors.
There’s a crazy range of flavors and circumstances.
But ultimately it comes down to an imbalance of usage.
On a sandwich, most of these need one of the Big 3 to really stand out.
For those reasons I just can’t find an opportunity to advance my predisposition towards bologna.
Then I’m slotting Turkey next and this is really all temperature based.
In comparison to roast beef, there is no comparison.
Turkey is usually better cold unless carved fresh from the bird itself.
And even then, a lot of people prefer it cold.
Regardless, you’re free to do a club.
you’re able to do a wrap.
you could do roll up.
you’re able to put it on french or italian or a ciabatta.
There’s very few limitations to Turkey’s position on the field.
It’s very dynamic but alas, not as good as Roast Beef in this category.
Roast beef is king here.
you’re able to make it hot with au jus.
you’re free to throw it on an onion bun with heavy cheddar.
you’re able to wrap it with arugula and a zesty mayo.
It can live on it’s own.
It can be the #1 in a 5-meat rotation.
It’s good out of the bag and plays with all cheese.
You have the deepest roster of condiments including a preposterous partnership with horseradish.
you’re free to dress it up.
you might dress it down.
There are almost no limitations to Roast Beef provided it’s got appropriate coloring.
That’s really the only criteria to set Roast Beef loose.
For these reasons:
3.
Roast Beef
Final Score
I’ll tally this up like Cy-Young voting.
4 points for 1.
3 points for 2 and so on.
Ham = 6
3.
Miscellaneous = 7
T-1.
Turkey = 9
T-1.
MLB started doing this recently with the ghost runner on 2nd base in extra innings.
In this case, I’m purely thinking about global usage.
I’m thinking about a good sandwich in the Swiss alps or something going to Oktoberfest and needing lunch.
I’m backpacking New Zealand and studying abroad in Barcelona.
Under this expanded mindset, roast beef wins the first sudden death playoff hole as turkey just made bogey.
Close call for the bird but it really never stood a chance once we go international.
